Humorous Class descriptions

Street Touring Classes
“Especially with street tires, driver plays a much more significant role in the results than the race tire classes.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde Quotes



The most unusual and magical classes are the Street Touring classes. This is the set of classes that has the most Internet Protests of all the SCCA classes and has the most convoluted of the Internet Protest Committees. But more importantly, it is here that Hondas defy the laws of physics. No one knows exactly how they do it, just that it happens. The SEB banned black magic from ST in early 2006, but the protests are usually not upheld since SCCA's impound chiefs are not generally very good with the black arts. Sometimes the black magic does unexpected things like making the Honda spin into an electrical box, making the engine explode or even making all of the undercoating fall off. Most ST Hondas using the black magic to it's fullest extent generally weigh between 36 and 42 lbs giving them a huge (and unfair) advantage over the rest of the field. But this isn't considered cheating because they do not have turbos*. Their power to weight is almost that of a top fuel dragster and they have been said to lap the Nurburgring in under 6 minutes. If he were to drive an ST car, the earth's magnetic fields would reverse, sending migrating birds the wrong direction in winter. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

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All the ST* classes benefit from the mythical PAX, which is basically a large mathematical formula that allows ST* drivers to presume their cars to be faster than the "real cars". This PAX--otherwise known as mental masturbation--is the holy grail of autocross, the only goal is not to go faster than the other guy, but to have the mathematical formula tell everybody that your time was "better" than the other guys even though your car was slower overall.

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Street Modified ClassesStreet Modified: Aliens reign supreme in this class. This causes overpriced BMW's to go for sale. The class will exist until someone chooses to dominate in an RCM - "Ramey Crap Mobile." This is a mythical car with no mass, infinite tires, and negative dimensions that will complete any autocross run in less than 1 second.
Super Street Modified: Buttsecks! The only class where the size of your trophy is directly proportionate to how many engine rotors are crammed into your 3rd Gen RX7.
Street Modified FWD: What is the opposite of Buttsecks?


Stumbled upon this while trolling S2Ki http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Autocross
Brian
99 Miata STR
04 S2000 STR [SOLD]
08 Civic Si HS [SOLD]

Comments

  • edited November -1
    This has been posted a number of times before but there is also some truth to it, the more you read it. For example:

    "C Stock: This is one of the more confusing of the stock classes and it just got 100% more full of BS... Nobody thats ever driven a Mazda RX-8 can possibly understand A) How a car with 14.77 lb-ft. of torque can be that much faster than the 350z, B) Why nobody can beat that Isley guy C) How they convince their tire guy to spend an entire workweek mounting those Kumhos and D) Why the SCCA would allow a class where two different Mazdas can win. That's just bad business. Also, if your car has ever been referred to as a "Girl's Car", this is where you belong."

    Don't believe me? Ask Don Nimi!
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